“There is a difference between listening and waiting for your turn to speak.” ~Simon Sinek

Since there was so much good information in chapter eight, Servant-Leadership Characteristics in Organizational Life  by Don DeGraaf, Colin Tilley, and Larry Neal, I decided to blog again on this chapter from the book we are using as a guide, Practicing Servant-Leadership: Succeeding Through Trust, Bravery, and Forgiveness  by Larry C. Spears and Michelle Lawrence.

Of the ten core competencies of Servant-Leadership, the foundational competency is listening. Not just listening, but  authentic  listening. That’s why is it the first core competency because it serves as the vehicle through which the other competencies can be nurtured. Servant-Leaders understand that great leaders are good communicators who can speak eloquently and more efficiently, but they are excellent and empathetic listeners.

One way that Servant-Leaders can develop listening skills is to practice reflective listening. Reflective listening includes three components;
Nonverbal clues: Learning to be aware of nonverbal communication in yourself and others
Understanding the content: Understanding the speaker’s main ideas and checking them out
Understanding feelings: Listening for and being aware of the feelings a person may have when communicating
And if you are like me, you’ve had to learn that remarks like, “I see” or “Oh, really,” or “You did?” are noncommittal responses and is not considered reflective or empathetic listening! Door-openers are responses that engage the person speaking and makes you an active  listener. For example, below are some door-opening phrases that are either positive phrases or killer phrases. See if you have ever said any of the phrases.

Positive Phrases                                                                                             Killer Phrases
Keep talking, you’re on track.                                             The problem with that idea…
Keep going.                                                                                                               It’s not a bad idea, but…
I’m glad you brought that up.                                             You haven’t considered…
How can we build on that?                                                       We’ve tried that before.
That’s an interesting idea.                                                       You don’t understand the problem.
Let’s try it.                                                                                                                 Has anyone else ever tried it?

Servant-Leaders understand that when we actively listen and use the positive phrases rather than the negative ones, we confirm for the listener that we hear and feel what they are saying. And don’t we all want to be heard and understood?

My son participated in an assignment this week whereby he brought the REAL BABY home. It was a part of his home economics class, the Real Baby Simulation Experience. It was fun. And he was tired. I got the chance to actively listen to him as he was frustrated at certain points of the experience where the baby was fussy. I stayed the course with him and listened quietly.

I offered him suggestions and coached him through it. He told me he could handle the baby through the night. And he did. He never came to get me. The next morning, he was so proud of himself. He did it! And I am proud of him too! He was actively listening for the baby’s cry and immediately began figuring out what the baby’s needs were. He was attentive and caring.

I always thought he was a loving child. And even as a teenager (and the teenager-ish attitude at times), his compassion, and authentic love showed through in his care and concern for the Baby. What a great experience for him…..and for me too!

To Authentic Listening,
Dr. Crystal