ANNOUNCEMENT: Happy Thursday Afternoon, All! I hope that you are enjoying the summer wherever you are in the world. I am excited to let you know that I have been working diligently on my third book, Bloom Where You Are Planted: Reflections on Servant Leadership. We are at the next stage of strategizing the marketing plan and preparing for the launch. Indeed, it has been a labor of love and I can’t wait to tell you more about it. Until then, please welcome back my friend and colleague, Chris Thyberg, and his call to action for us on our servant leadership journey. To learn more about Chris, please visit https://www.theservingway.com/background.  Let us begin…

If you’re like me, as much as we struggle with receiving feedback, we experience just as much angst, maybe more, when we have to give feedback. We want to balance encouragement with correction while avoiding drama. It’s not that we don’t address what holds people back, but our aim is to get to mutual commitments in pursuit of our shared purpose. Above all, we engage in feedback from a place of deep respect and regard for those we lead. How do we get to that place from which great feedback flows?

The place to start is with ourselves. We first need to check how we perceive the person we are giving feedback to and then ask ourselves what we intend our feedback to accomplish.

Are we just seeking compliance? Or are we working together toward common vision, mission, and values?

Are we teeing up a monologue comprised of commands? Or are we inviting people into conversations that lead to binding commitments on both sides?

Do we think, perhaps unconsciously, of the feedback receiver as a “lost cause” and not worth our effort? Or do we truly believe the other is capable and willing to grow and improve if we make the necessary investment?

Even when the outcome is to release the person from service with our enterprise, as serving leaders we do all we can to help people land where they will have a better chance to thrive. “You’re fired!” is not the way of the serving leader.

If we can genuinely and authentically answer that we are seeking goals greater than ourselves, commitments that stick, and investments that will pay off for everyone, we’re in the right starting place.

So, what are some practical steps we can take to offer feedback that feeds the souls of our followers? Here are six practices I’ve put to work with my friends and colleagues at ThirdRiver Partners.

1. Ask for permission, sketch out the topic, and whenever possible, allow preparation time for self-assessment. Script and practice your invitation. Do this, and you will balance the power dynamic. After all, your intent is for others to excel, not to win in a contest of wills.
2. Begin with what is working and what existing strengths and assets to leverage for improved performance. Only then do you broach weaknesses and deficits. Make sure to use the word “and” rather than “but.” “I like the way you lead your group, BUT you need to be more assertive in team leader meetings” effectively cancels everything positive that came before that big BUT. In contrast, “I like the way you lead your group AND I think you can make a real contribution to the leadership team if you share your ideas and experiences with us.”
3. Feed-forward is more important than feedback. Yes, we assess past performance both relationally and by results. But we can’t change the past. What we can do is choose the way we move forward:

• Change the way we see, think, and feel.
• Rekindle our passion for excellence.
• Learn necessary skills and practice effective behaviors.
• Make amends if needed and forgive ourselves.
• And move forward with focus on desired outcomes.

4. Ask for their perceptions of their behaviors and the motives behind them. We all come with different points of view; there are frequently gaps between what we intend and what others perceive. That’s true for you and true for the one receiving your feedback. It’s critical to stick with “I” statements of what you see, think, and feel, and how you’ve been affected by their behavior.
5. Ask for their improvements, and then graciously offer your own suggestions based on your experience and expertise. This is your chance to learn as you lead. Listen first to their insights and you will become much more insightful. Make sure you center this part of the conversation around behaviors lest others internalize feedback as a judgment on their character, self-worth, and the value they bring to the world.
6. Summarize and commit. Ask them to play back the highlights of the conversation with special emphasis on points of agreement. From this shared understanding, decide on mutual actions that you both put on your calendars for review in the near future. Remember, it’s not real until there’s an agreed date to come back and reassess. (And not the next year’s performance evaluation!)

Robert Greenleaf, the father of modern servant leadership captures the purpose of life-giving feedback. In his essay, The Servant as Leader, he measures servant leaders by what our followers are becoming under our leadership:

Do those served grow as persons? Do they, while being served, become healthier, wiser, freer, more autonomous, more likely to become servants?

These six attributes – growth, health, wisdom, freedom, autonomy, and service – comprise feedback that feeds the soul and inspires us toward greatness.

Remember always, feedback is a gift. Give it well.

(Copyright © 2018 The Serving Way — Chris Alan Thyberg.)