Inside and Outside Scoop on Conflict: Relating Well to Yourself and Others

By Dr. Kimberly J. Hamilton-Wright

Conflict. Manifestations of it range from a soul-searching quest to reset your inner peace after a vexing text showdown with someone to full-on wars between nations.

Understanding the back story of conflict and working some simple strategies presents the limitless potential to quell or ward off a fight altogether. Becoming that amicable person known for fostering peace, whether at home, work, school, or in the neighborhood, is possible, too.

If you do encounter a dispute, it does not have to fester. Know that victory in the conflict arena can happen in the first round. And ideally, a win-win can emerge from the fight.

Conflict Resolution is Crucial

Conflict involves the relational part of life. Our relationship with ourselves, and others, impact happiness and overall quality of life. What’s more, communication and conflict resolution skills potentially influence how long we live.

In her Harvard Gazette article “Genes are nice, but joy is better,” Liz Mineo reported on the connection between relationships (including those with conflict), better health, and longevity. Mineo cited a TED talk by Robert Waldinger, a Harvard Medical School professor of psychiatry and director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development.

Waldinger explained that good relationships do not have to be conflict-free. Regarding the study, which has been underway for more than 80 years, “Some of our octogenarian couples,” said Waldinger, “could bicker with each other day in and day out, but as long as they felt that they could really count on the other when the going got tough, those arguments didn’t take a toll on their memories” (Mineo, 2017). He further stated that in addition to better health, people in “warm relationships got to live longer and happier…and loners often died earlier” (Mineo, 2017).

So good can come out of conflict. Knowing how to manage it within yourself and with others is the key. Conflict resolution skills are communication skills (Wilmot & Hocker, 2011, p. 13). When applied, these skills also help boost personal and group problem-solving, morale, creativity, efficiency, and effectiveness (Katz et al., 2020).

Unpacking Conflict

Conflict is underway when “two or more interdependent parties are experiencing strong emotion resulting from a perceived difference in needs or values” (Katz et al., 2020, p. 109)—this is interpersonal conflict. Conflict can also swirl inside an individual, independently, as intrapersonal conflict. Interpersonal and intrapersonal are two foundational aspects of conflict.

Intrapersonal Conflict

Wilmot and Hocker (2011) defined intrapersonal conflict as “internal strain that creates a state of ambivalence, conflicting internal dialogue, or lack of resolution” (p. 12). Conflicting dynamics such as “predispositions, thoughts, ideas, drives, and emotions” are inner processes that spawn intrapersonal conflict (Cheldelin et al., 2012, p. 30).

Intrapersonal Conflict: An Example

Compounding your stress because you are pushing to meet an urgent work project deadline, your friends unexpectedly ask you to babysit their twin toddlers while they head out for date night. You grapple with the desire to help, yet the reality is that the task will interfere with fulfilling your work project deadline, so you decline their request, and your friends are disappointed about your decision. The intrapersonal conflict began with your struggle around whether to babysit and continued with your angst about the couple’s disappointment regarding your decision.

Therapists specialize in intrapersonal conflict’s complex “intrapsychic dynamics” (Cheldelin et al., 2012, p. 30). However, once the intrapersonal conflict is “expressed communicatively,” a conflict resolution practitioner can analyze the situation and facilitate the parties in resolving the dispute (Wilmot & Hocker, 2011, p. 11).

Interpersonal Conflict

Interpersonal conflict is “an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from others in achieving their goals” (Wilmot & Hocker, 2011, p. 11).

Interpersonal Conflict: An Example

Two neighbors frequently discussed the beauty of the trees throughout their neighborhood. Over time, one neighbor’s tree flourished to the extent that it contacted and bent the other neighbor’s fence. After three requests from the neighbor with the bent fence, the neighbor with the flourishing tree (to maintain its natural beauty) refused to trim the tree away from the fence. The interpersonal conflict began with the first request to trim the tree. Each additional request deepened the conflict between the neighbors.

The example shows that conflict parties sometimes share points of agreement. In this case, the beauty of trees. Negotiating with points of agreement creates additional opportunities to resolve a conflict.

Here are seven strategies to gear up for successful conflict resolution conversations:

• Treat others respectfully
• Set the right tone for the conversation
• Active listening
• Reflective listening
• Perspective-taking
• Avoid negative attributions
• Solve conflicts when they are small

(Bao et al., 2016; Katz et al., 2020)

Conflict parties must also be willing to forge a path to solutions. Here are eight steps toward collaboratively resolving interpersonal conflict:

• Create an effective atmosphere
• Clarify perceptions
• Focus on individual and shared needs
• Build shared positive power
• Look to the future, then learn from the past
• Generate options
• Develop “doables” – stepping-stones to action
• Make mutual-benefit agreements

(Weeks, 1994)

Resolving conflict requires the synergy of intrapersonal and interpersonal skills. Whether at home, work, school, or with neighbors, the benefits of honing conflict resolution skills are boundless. Foremost, live longer and happier. Be that intrapersonal growth influencer who compels others to do the same. Have the courage to create conflict resolution conversations at an open and safe communication roundtable—this is where developing win-win strategies begins.

References

Bao, Y., Zhu, F., Hu, Y., & Cui, N. (2016). The Research of interpersonal conflict and solution strategies. Psychology, 7, 541–545. https://doi.org/10.4236/psych.2016.74055

Cheldelin, S., Druckman, D., & Fast, L. (2012). Conflict: from analysis to intervention (2^nd edition). Bloomsbury Academic.

Katz, N. H., Lawyer, J. W., & Sosa, K. J., Koppelman Sweedler, M., & Tokar, P. (2020). Communication and conflict resolution skills (3^rd edition). Kendall Hunt Publishing Company.

Mineo, L. (2017, April 11). Good genes are nice, but joy is better. The Harvard Gazette. https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/04/over-nearly-80-years-harvard-study-has-been-showing-how-to-live-a-healthy-and-happy-life/

Weeks, D. (1994). The eight essential steps to conflict resolution: preserving relationships at work, home, and in the community. P. Tarcher/Putnam.

Wilmot, W., & Hocker, J. (2011). Interpersonal conflict (8^th edition). McGraw-Hill.